REALLY the 50 Worst Movies? Are You Sure?

I was directed to Empire Online's list of The 50 Worst Movies Ever recently, and I have to say, if I was making this list it would have turned out a little differently. I understand that there are some occasions when I am a little more forgiving of quality because I am entertained, but I think that's the point - a Worst Movie Ever should have NO redeeming features, and entertainment is pretty much the prescribed purpose of cinema. Why SHOULDN'T I enjoy a movie that, despite a cheesy script or dubious acting, makes me want to watch it again because it's fun? And at fifty slots, I am POSITIVE I could come up with enough vacant, mindless piles of dribble to fill it.

Here are, specifically, the ones I disagree with:

41. Van Helsing (2004)

Yes, the Dracula in this film bares little to no resemblance to Stoker's creature of nightmares, but Hugh Jackman and David Wenham made a charming pair with some good banter. Jackman is a pretty awesome Action Hero, but he also has the acting chops to bring some meat to what could have been an empty-headed muscle man; his Van Helsing was intriguing and likable. Kate Beckinsale struck the right notes of over-the-top and sympathetic, in her leather corset and take-no-shit-from-these-vampire-hookers attitude. Plus the visual effect is gothic and interesting.

30. Scary Movie (2000)

Anna Faris alone makes this one worth watching (or at least, makes me pause for a scene or two whenever it's on Comedy Central). I will always defend the Scary Movie franchise because there are nuggets of actual, belly-laughing humor in there. I don't disagree that this film is bad, just that there are worse films (with no comedic value whatsoever) that should have been called out before this one. If the list went to 100, then maybe. Otherwise I'd advise you to enjoy watching Faris stretch her comedy legs.

28. The Sweetest Thing (2002)

I genuinely thought this film was sweet and enjoyable, with a solid cast and just the right ending (my dad owns it because he likes it so much). In a world where Cameron Diaz only makes something worth seeing every fifth movie or so, I thought the harmless rom-com environment of this film (you know how it ends, and frankly that's ok with me, because one watches this sort of film for the predictable ending) was good for her. She got to be awkward and unsure and I believed her. It's a feel-good movie that does its job, and I don't fault it for that.

25. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

While it did not deliver in the same grand way that its predecessor did, Fallen still made good on all that it promised: big fucking robots fighting each other and destroying large chunks of the landscape. Director Michael Bay could have used more restraint in the number of bots and the visual effects needed to be more streamlined (can I PLEASE get a slow-mo of someone transforming? It looks SO cool but I just can't SEE), and every scene with the two idiot twins could have seen them replaced with Sideswipe and Ironhide, but this film never pretends to be anything other than what it is. And what THAT is, is a two-hour roller coaster that leaves you energized and rooting for Optimus Prime as well as that (already in production) third film.

And finally, let it be said that I am not arguing Batman & Robin's place on this list, but surely it should not be #1? Bloodrayne (2006) didn't even MAKE this list, and that's arguably the worst film I've ever seen. Other notable "snubs" (in my humble opinion):

Anything Uwe Boll has ever done, ever

Manos: Hands of Fate (1966) - You know, pretty much anything that is improved by being MST3K'ed.

Dead Alive (1992) - In my opinion, this doesn't even qualify for "so-bad-it's-good" status.

Cabin Fever (2002) - Dear Eli Roth: Grow up a little. Then you can make REAL movies.

Freddy vs. Jason (2003) - SO much potential.

Aeon Flux (2005) - Although they did get Ultraviolet (2006) at #33

AVPR: Requiem (2007) - The first AVP (2004) was at least fun to watch. This one, when you could actually SEE what was going on (only about 25% of the time due to poor lighting and effects) was so boring I almost injured myself.

Balls of Fury (2007) - Ping pong as a gladiatorial event. About as exciting as that sounds.

Good Luck Chuck (2007) - Oh Dane Cook. Please go back to stand-up comedy. At least there, you're actually FUNNY instead of painfully awkward.

Dragon Wars (2007) - Scratch the Bloodrayne comment. This is the worst film EVER made.