Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

I know, I promised you guys more Trailer Talk, and I fully intend to deliver. The problem is that I have a day job and night school, and neither are very conducive to watching trailers. So! Movie news that I can report to you whilst in my downtime at the office.

(In a perfect world, I would get paid scads of money to do nothing except watch trailers and gab about them. Alas, that doesn't currently come with health care, and I don't even have dental as it is.)

I read Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter on the recommendation of a friend, because I had so thoroughly enjoyed Pride & Prejudice & Zombies. (Sense and Sensibility and Seamonsters, not so much.) Seth Grahame-Smith did what I didn't think was possible: he made this seemingly ludicrous and hilarious concept a serious, emotionally impacting story. I loved the way it was set up through a mix of historical facts and the fabricated diaries of Lincoln; it was satirical in subject matter but not in tone.

When I heard that it was getting made into a movie, I was excited - I'm usually excited when books I like get made into films (weird, right?) because I love visuals, and honestly, this story was made to be a film (or maybe a mini-series). As one does, I gossiped with the friend that had lent me the book originally about who we wanted to see in the two starring roles: Abe and his vampire mentor, Henry.

I'm convinced that Adrien Brody has spent his film career preparing for this role. We've seen him tackle roles with gravitas successfully, such as in The Pianist, not to mention this and this as well, so we know he'd be able to bring all the weightiness and stature that Lincoln would need to be convincing and effective. But, as anyone who paid good money to see Predators knows, dude can BRING it in the physical arena.

But for me the roles that most convinced me Brody would be perfect here are his turns in The Brothers Bloom and Darjeeling Limited. Both movies are kind of silly, but Brody dead-pans his way through in total seriousness, making them poignant as well as weirdly funny. I don't think Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter can succeed if it doesn't give us a LITTLE tongue-in-cheek, and I think Brody could have balanced that with deadly believability.

In the roll of Henry, the vampire that takes over Abe's education and mentors him through slayer-dom, well, who better than Johnny Depp? However tiresome I may find his current cash cow, the way he handles even his sillier roles, like in Benny & Joon and Sleepy Hollow, with deftness and sympathy that would have made Henry believable as a sympathetic monster-type. And his flamboyancy in said cash cow just demonstrates that Depp's Henry would still retain that vampire nobility and libertine attitude that many ascribe to them.

As movie news has revealed, both my choices were denied. Instead of Brody and Depp we're getting this guy and this guy, who do not exactly fill me with joy. You know what does, though? The fact that Timur Bekmambetov is directing.

No, I don't care how you felt about Wanted, or its infamous in-production sequel. This dude directed Night Watch, one of the best gritty supernatural noir pieces to be made in the last ten years. There are vampires, and great fight scenes, and the whole thing is darkly, eerily, beautiful. If you watch it (AND YOU SHOULD), please please PLEASE watch the subtitled version; Bekmambetov plays with the actual subtitles to reflect how a certain person talks is incorporated into the world. It's inspired.

Super Bowl Trailer Spots

This was actually a lot more work than I thought it was going to be - I wanted it to be my straight-up first impressions, so I haven't re-watched any of these. In the future when I'm watching them off the Apple site, my analysis will probably end up being more in-depth (not to mention more accurate) than these, because I wrote these up quick while I could still remember everything I'd just seen. And these were definitely teaser spots, nothing more than about 30 seconds of footage. But they were super fun, so this will definitely become a regular feature.

Trailers!

COWBOYS & ALIENS
Initial impressions: GUN TWIRLING, flashy lights, explosions. Naked Olivia WIlde (in some kind of ritual? Whut), dusty deserts, golden text. Teal and orange color palate (as per usual now, it seems), torches, FIRE EVERYWHERE. Peeks of the tech, nothing overwhelming, but a good taste.

Let me tell you why I'm excited about this movie: the wild west is the perfect backdrop for science fiction. It's stark, alien, Mars-like in its scenery; the technological bits and pieces we get to see in this trailer (Craig's wrist cuff, that weird centipede craft, the hovering blue lights) seem to fit right into the orange and reds and scruffy landscape. It's a great opportunity to combine futuristic elements with a gun-slinging story. And almost no one gets it right. Jonah Hex was a TERRIBLE movie, that Will Smith thing (link insert here) was only ok. Firefly is wonderful, or course, but its visual Western aspects aren't consistently present. But this film? This film has promise (italics). Great cast, great effects (from what we've seen), and a director that knows his way around explosions. Sign me up.

CAPTAIN AMERICA
Fucking amazing. The perfect opening teaser - we see Steve Rogers start as a skinny little shit and get pumped full of drugs, he comes out of this weird pod all ripped up and disoriented. One or two WWII boot camp shots, and then BAM! The Captain in full uniform in front of a column of American soldiers. We get his shield as unpainted and shining plate, full color and perfect, and then bullet-pocked and worn. One shot of stealth jet, which tells me they're not staying in WWII time - I THINK Red Skull is the main villain, so maybe they'll take us to the present at the very end? I heard a rumor that they're doing the "frozen in ice" thing to take Rogers to the present.

I was never a Captain fan as a comic reading kid, but this trailer has me PUMPED. Chris Evans definitely looks the part, and it looks like they've captured the spirit and costuming without getting kitschy. I can't wait.

TRANSFORMERS 3: Dark of the Moon
EPIC. Slow mo action, Wacker Drive, NO MEGAN FOX. I LOVE that Michael Bay has slowed the Transformer fights so that I can actually see what's happening - fights are so much better when they're being staged by giant robots. Lots of slow motion leaping on the part of the robots, no transforming sequences which was kinda sad, but it was only about 20 seconds of film.

Honestly? I'm obviously excited about this, since I can't put into words how much loved the first one, but the second disappointed me. It had all the glitz and none of the elegance of composition of the first one. If Bay can reign it in a little, restrain his natural inclination for explosions enough to let the charm of the robots shine through (and you're lying to me if you tell me you don't think Optimus and Bumblebee are charming), then it could really be a hit.

SUPER 8
Train crash, dirty boys running, flamethrowers, Karl Urban? Panicking, some sort of narration that I couldn't hear because the volume was too low. I honestly had NO IDEA what film this was until the very end credits, which I guess is a good thing?

People who liked Cloverfield are probably excited about this one, I'm really not. I didn't like Cloverfield, I never watched LOST; I loved Star Trek, but it wasn't an Abrams story, so I don't think it counts. Super 8, though, looks like something I'd enjoy (explosions, allusions to aliens, etc.) and I can't really tell why I'm not excited. I don't have any patience for Abrams' SUPREME MYSTERY approach when it comes to trailers, but this actually showed me something, so I don't understand my ambivalence towards the film - maybe it's just how disappointed I was with Cloverfield. We'll see how I feel if they release trailers with more to them.

FAST AND THE FURIOUS 5
More of the same. Fast cars, Paul Walker, Vin Diesel. Apparently in Rio de Janeiro now? Sure, why not. The most noteworthy part of this was that the producers seem to have stolen the footage of the huge Jesus statue in Rio from 2012.

My sources (the internet, my boyfriend) tell me that The Rock will feature in this, but from this trailer you wouldn't know it. A waste, since seeing Diesel and The Rock in the same film is pretty much the biggest draw for me. (I LOVED the first three of these. The fourth was kinda lame.)

THOR
The opening narration by Anthony Hopkins is a nice touch. Hurling hammers, thunder storms, pretty predictable stuff. I think at this point we've all seen the Thor trailer, and there's not much new here. Seeing a quiet interlude between Portman and Helmsworth is nice, because I'm a little surprised every time I remember she's in this movie. Mainly I'm glad for that because it means she won't be Lois Lane in the next Superman flick. I like the roaring monster near the end, although it looks a little too much like a J.J. Abrams creation, and every monster he makes looks the same.

I have no emotional attachment to Thor as a super hero, so all this movie has to do for me to be on board is not be boring. So far it looks like it won't disappoint.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN
It's The Johnny Depp Show, obviously. Boats, tropics, Penelope Cruz. Some guy playing Blackbeard, but all I can think of it Geoffrey Rush. More natives, probably cannibals, and one REALLY cool shot of Blackbeard's ship.

I'm tired of this franchise, guys. The first one was SO GOOD, the second two were SO BAD, and I'm not enamored enough with Jack Sparrow to bring myself to care. And this one does not look like it's offering anything new.

RANGO
Man, that baby opossum is ugly. Johnny Depp is somehow more interesting as a gecko than a pirate, they're in a desert, HOLY SHIT MARIACHI OWLS.

The best part of this trailer was the mariachi owl band. And how freaking ugly Depp's gecko's shirt is. I don't have a lot to say about this, I'm much more excited about Rio.

RIO
Speak of the devil! BIRDS EVERYWHERE, candy animation, fun cha cha music. I think Jesse Eisenberg is the voice of the main parrot? I gotta find out what species the animators think he is, because not even hyacinth macaws are THAT blue.

The animation looks gorgeous. It's candy colored, kinda hazy so it looks really dream like. I think it's about a bird escaping from captivity into the rain forest? So there will be lots of colors and a lush landscape for the story to play out in front of. It looks like it could be a really winner for DreamWorks, which is good as it's following How To Train Your Dragon and we all know how I feel about THAT one. HOLY DICKS, this is FOX MOVIES? Shows how much attention I was paying - is it weird that this just makes me MORE excited about it? The idea that Fox Movies might actually have made a good animated film?

(I can't BELIEVE I thought that was DreamWorks. I could have edited this for you to save my pride, but I didn't. SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.)

LIMITLESS
Bradley Cooper is a mess and then he's not, lots of glitzy images, numbers holy shit, I love Robert DeNiro. The signature line seems to be "It puts me 50 moves ahead of you," and I'm really trying to get over how much I don't like Bradley Cooper but it just isn't happening.

It looks shiny with a tremendously predictable plot line. Here's my prediction: Cooper takes the drug, is wildly successful, has a run in with DeNiro, violence happens, Cooper is left in the end without his drug powers but deciding he can lead a better life without them. Or he dies. Actually, if he dies, the film might actually retain an interesting element. Knowing what I do I'm not interested.

Trailer Talk!

Tomorrow I'm going to start a New Thing for this blog: Trailer Talk! I haven't decided yet how frequently I want to do this; the idea is that I'll watch new trailers and talk about how I think the movie will go, how impressed I was with the trailer, anything that strikes me, really. Ideally, I'd like to talk about the newest ones possible, which is why I'm leading off with the premier of the Captain America trailer spot during the Super Bowl.

That's right, I'ma watch football for you guys. Because I love you.

Honestly, if I could do three trailers three times a week, I totally would, because I LOVE trailers. I get to movie theaters super early just so I can watch the trailers. I spend hours at a time on apple.com/trailers. But unfortunately, I have a day job and I'm a student again, so that's too extensive for me right now. Maybe one trailer per entry three times a week? I might be able to do that. I can DEFINITELY commit to at least one every Sunday, in addition to my erratic updates during the week. So yeah, something to look forward to for the future.

Also-also, my sister is currently en route to Australia for study abroad and she's starting a travel blog as soon as she gets there! It's called Lizzie's Adventures in UnderLand (for which I take full naming credit, BTW), and the more readers she gets the more I'll feel validated for pressuring her to put a link to my blog on her page.

Happy Super Bowl Sunday, everyone!

A Letter to the Academy, or, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID

I was working on an in-depth look at my top ten films from 2010, but really, there aren't any surprises on my list - I tried really hard to include The Wolfman, Daybreakers, and Kick-Ass, but in the end it boiled down to:

10. The Other Guys
9. Easy A
8. Scott Pilgrim v. The World
7. The Runaways
6. Toy Story 3
5. Inception
4. The Fighter
3. The King's Speech
2. How to Train Your Dragon
1. The Social Network

Then I planned this impassioned defense of why things like True Grit and Black Swan and Winter's Bone aren't on here, but let's be real, we all know a few things about me: a. I love kid's movies; b. I love dragons, c. I didn't like True Grit, and d. I sweat Jesse Eisenberg and Christian Bale. All of which really explains just about everything up there.

But I'm a procrastinator, and I lost my window to make that discussion relevant. Luckily for me, new things are happening in film media all the time, and I have been hand-served a topic rife with controversy just this morning.

So let's talk about the Academy Awards.

It's hard for me to explain my devotion to the Oscars. I've watched the entire telecast, front to back, including the red carpet show, every year since I was 14 (Fellowship of the Ring had a lot to do with that). I love the spectacle, true, but as I've learned more about film and become more able to view it critically and, most importantly, discuss it intelligently, I've been able to watch the Oscars critically as well. Especially because the more often I watch the awards, the more "awards fodder" I take the time to watch. It's a feedback loop - I enjoy movies, so I watch the Oscars; I watch the Oscars, so I see awards-bait to put them in context.

My boyfriend laughs at me because I take film too seriously (which I do, no doubt), but...there's something to being able to watch the ceremony on an informed basis. I like being able to see the nominations and say, "Well, I agree with this this and this, but this is clearly my pick for the win, because of this." The more I know about the nominees, the more fun it is.

What happened today is appalling. For the most part, I was neither surprised nor displeased with the nomination results - I may not like True Grit, but the rest of Hollywood does. The Social Network, The King's Speech, these have always been the front runners. Sure, there were a few (pleasant) surprises in the acting categories, but not many, and none I actively disagreed with. I'm sure at this point you all know where I'm headed with this, but I'm plowing onward anyway.

Dear Academy,

Why, oh why, didn't Christopher Nolan get nominated for Best Director? Why nominate Inception AT ALL if you're not going to recognize that Nolan was the reason it was so great? You know as well as I do that in less capable hands, Inception would have been a confusing, stuttering mess. Nolan was able to take a handful of psychology, some talented but disjointed actors, and an exposition-heavy script and turn it into a visual, thrilling masterpiece. The script itself is not enough to elevate this film to its exceptional levels; even the (admittedly stunning) visuals by themselves didn't make it great. Nolan did.

This is also not the first time that Nolan has taken an ensemble cast and a fabulous backdrop and produced something amazing. I understand why The Dark Knight didn't get much love from you - I didn't agree with the decision, but I know summer blockbusters, even when they are exceptional films, aren't really part of the Academy image. Which begs the question: why nominate Inception, which was just as much of a big-budget spectacle as TDK, at all unless it's partly an apology to Nolan for not recognizing his work last year? And if you're going to take that step, why the directorial snub? Your choices make no sense.

Nolan deserves that statuette, Academy. Not just the nomination he was so clearly robbed of, but the win as well. The Social Network will clearly win the Best Picture award, and I'm fine with that. But please, please start giving credit where credit is due. TSN is Best Picture material because of outstanding acting, a phenomenal script, and handling such topical material with deft panache. Inception is Best Picture material because of Nolan. And not recognizing that just makes you blind.

God help you if Nolan produces a hat trick of greatness with The Dark Knight Rises, and you continue to sit on your red velvet pedestal and look down your nose at a man who not only makes entertainment, but great entertainment.

True Grit, or, Jeff Bridges is Awesome

True Grit is a movie made up of pieces, which never quite come together to form a coherent whole. While each of its stars, Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, and the charming Hailee Steinfeld, are great in their own roles, the roles themselves almost feel like they’re from three very different films – like the Coen Brothers couldn’t decide what kind of movie they were making.

Jeff Bridges, as the whiskey-soaked, gravelly Rooster Cogburn, hasn’t been this entertaining to watch since his turn as the Dude in another Coen Brothers piece. His performance is so gritty (if you’ll forgive my using the phrase) it almost leaves sand in your mouth – he’s rough, tough, and way past his prime. Watching him is like remembering the golden era of Western film, reminiscent of the gun-toting outlaws and town defending sheriffs. But he’s old, too, and more heart-breaking in his way than the tale of Mattie’s vengeance for her wrongfully slain father.

Let’s talk about Mattie: I don’t know where the Coens found Steinfeld, but she’s a treasure in this movie and I look forward to seeing her in future projects. Her Mattie Ross is self-possessed and righteous, quoting the law at anyone she perceives as standing wrongfully in her way. Her “good lawyer” back home does not feature bodily in the film, but pops up in almost all of her conversation. Steinfeld successfully brings to life Mattie’s precociousness and also her own illusions; that is, that wrongs will always be brought to right, and that the law will always triumph. Mattie has to learn some hard lessons about preconceived notions and, more importantly, about the way that people really work, but Steinfeld makes her believable.

Matt Damon’s Texas Ranger, Mr. LaBoeuf, is the wrong note in the film. I’ve never seen the original True Grit, so I don’t know how he played out in that version, but here LaBoeuf is played (wrongfully, I think) for laughs. He is too tight, too formal, too absurd. Damon is excellent in the role, but the role is wrong for the film.

That is the weak point of True Grit: it can’t decide if it wants to be serious, or if it wants to be absurd. And rather than becoming a serious film with moments of humor, it ends up as an emotionally weak film with moments of awkwardness. I never really felt the immediacy of Mattie’s problem; I was never invested in seeing her father’s killer brought to justice. The dialogue, which is mostly very smart, does distance the audience by occasionally becoming comically flat or tremendously melodramatic - no one uses contractions ("This scheme did not unfold like I had planned;" after cutting down a hanged man, "I do not know this man."). For a film all about family and justice and revenge, True Grit itself fell a little comically flat.

The Last Airbender, and why I didn't totally hate it

I didn't totally hate The Last Airbender.

I expected to. As my boyfriend can tell you, I'm occasionally too receptive to outside influence when it comes to movies, especially ones that garner strong reactions either positively or negatively. That's why I don't read reviews of movies I'm REALLY interested in - I want to make sure that when I see it, how I feel isn't influenced by other people's opinions.

In the case of The Last Airbender, it was impossible NOT to hear about what other people thought. Usually it involved visiting mortal harm on M. Night Shyamalan. And I don't disagree with them - he did some things with a franchise I'm extremely fond of that he should be ashamed of - but I also thought the film had some really beautiful moments. When our heroes enter the Southern Water Tribe city, for instance: it's impossible to watch that great, majestic glacier and not think of the White City of Gondor. And the choreography for the benders was lovely to watch, a combination of dance, tai chi, and martial arts.

The effects for the bending itself were interesting, but revealed one of three incredibly major problems I had with the film: the color palette is so muted and dark. Even when the fire benders are fighting, the flames aren't as bright or fearsome as they should be. The television show is so vibrant, and color is SO thematically important, that Shyamalan really did the property a disservice by making it so dim. There's an overabundance of blues and muted grays and whites that's just depressing, which leads me to my next problem...

It's so JOYLESS. The show had such a sense of humor, more so than just Sokka's comedic relief - Aang was a clown, and Momo and Appa where jokesters, and one of the show's real strengths was its ability to handle really serious situations and balance them with light-hearted moments. The film is so, unrelentingly somber, although Jackson Rathbone gets a couple of good moments (plus his line delivery is pretty excellent). Actually, that's a good segue for the BIGGEST problem I had with the movie...

Nicola Peltz is a TERRIBLE actress.

No, really. I know a lot of people had big problems with Noah Ringer as Aang, but he's not so bad. Humorless, like I was talking about earlier, but that's Shyamalan's shoddy directing and not the kid. He was fine. The problem was that Peltz ruined every single scene she was in, even when she didn't say anything: flat line delivery, bizarre and over-enthusiastic facial expressions when she was in the background (she reminded me of a kid doing a school play, actually), and some kind of energy-sucking awfulness that made all her scenes a chore. Ringer is actually quite likable in the scenes without Peltz, especially when he has a real actor like Dev Patel to bounce off of.

Let's talk about Patel; and Shaun Toub, and Cliff Curtis, and how the ENTIRE Fire Nation was awesomely badass and clearly the single best part of this film. Patel smolders with rage at the father who betrayed him and the family that despises him, while Toub protects him with a paternal fierceness that's incredible to watch. Say what you want about Shyamalan's casting, but I will go to my grave defending these people and the complexity they brought to a mostly flat landscape.

I would like to watch The Last Airbender again on a non-airplane screen, mainly to see what a real screen does for the color and also the sound quality. I can't really comment on the sound because of how AWFUL the speakers on the plane were, but I don't think there was anything obviously wrong with it. I honestly do hope the other two films planned for this franchise get made, because I think there's good stuff there - Shyamalan just needs to get over himself and let someone with talent direct it.

Fanboys (and why Roger Ebert is so, so wrong)

Today I want to talk about the criminally underrated, nearly-ignored, and almost uniformly poorly-reviewed Fanboys. Directed by Kyle Newman and starring Sam Huntington, Jay Baruchel, Kristen Bell, and Dan Fogler, this film has been called “…a celebration of an idiotic lifestyle,” (Roger Ebert), and “mildly cute, mildly drooly, [and] majorly too-late spoof/homage” (Lisa Schwarzbaum, Entertainment Weekly). They’re both wrong.

Ebert’s biggest error comes from the fact that, apparently, he has never been a fan of anything in his life. Right at the outset of his review, he makes it clear that he simply doesn’t get it: “A lot of fans are basically fans of fandom itself. It's all about them. They have mastered the "Star Wars" or "Star Trek" universes or whatever, but their objects of veneration are useful mainly as a backdrop to their own devotion. Anyone who would camp out in a tent on the sidewalk for weeks in order to be first in line for a movie is more into camping on the sidewalk than movies.” If this was true, then the subject matter itself wouldn’t matter. Of course it does, it’s the only thing that matters. Ebert never stops to ask why people are fans of Star Wars, he assumes that that’s beside the point. And as the heroes of Fanboys can tell you, there are scores of reasons why Star Wars has captured the hearts and imaginations of movie-goers for over 30 years, and not just for the sake of fandom itself.

Fanboys is about a group of geeks that head across the country to break into George Lucas’ Skywalker Ranch, the goal of which is to see the rough cut of Episode I before anyone else. It’s a fairly typical road trip movie that’s also about knowing when to grow up and what’s important to take with you when you do. It is also about the unifying power of a cultural phenomenon that Windows, Hutch, Linus and Botts (our titular fanboys) have celebrated together since they were children – something made more poignant by the fact that Linus is dying of cancer (in a subplot which was the topic of a flaming internet debate, and which I’m glad ultimately stayed in the film. It keeps our boys from being parodies.), and won’t be around to share in their joy when Episode I is released in theaters.

At its heart, Fanboys is about that shared cultural experience. What Ebert so cynically calls “a security blanket for the socially inept, who use its extreme structure as a substitute for social skills,” is actually a celebration of a universal connection: when a bully shows up at the premier of Episode I and gives our heroes a good-natured high-five, they are justifiably confused…until he smiles jovially and says simply, “It’s the Wars, bro.” The angry pimp that terrorizes Windows and Hutch in Las Vegas has half-sleeve tattoos on both his arms (right side for Light Side, natch), and they are saved when he gets distracted defending the honor of Han Solo. It shows us, unapologetically, that we're all fans of something; the topic of the movie is Star Wars, but the devotion is a relate-able experience that everyone feels for something. Devotion for Star Wars (or anything else) is not an isolated phenomenon, and it’s certainly not reserved for the most hardcore – Fanboys shows us that, underneath, every one of us is a fanboy.

Except Roger Ebert.

(As a side note, Ebert has also apparently never heard of girl nerds. About Kristen Bell, thoroughly charming as Zoe, the estrogen antidote to all the testosterone on this trip, he sarcastically says “She’s almost better than the date who turns into a pizza and a six-pack when the deed is done.” This is, of course, in reference to the fact that she’s not only totally hot, but also a Star Wars geek. Hello, Mr. Ebert. My name is Martha, I’m totally cute, and I’m a complete nerd. And what’s more? I’m not the only one. Girl nerds are NOT A MYTH.

Did I just blow your mind?)